An idea has been tumbling around my head for several days now. It all started when my mother told me how excited she was for me that I could do anything I want with my life. That she was excited about the opportunites before me, especially because I have the time to write, which she has always wanted to do. I honestly didn’t see these opportunities as clearly as she did. Write? Me? The woman who dreamed of becoming a published author when she was a girl of fifteen? That was half my lifetime ago and feels like so much longer. Oh, I tried to write off and on through the next five or so years, but I haven’t written in over ten. My confidence was shot. I had no idea if I could ever write again, let alone write well. I still don’t know.
But I have been thinking about it. Sometimes thinking about it goes nowhere. Sometimes thought actually leads to discussion, which can lead to action. So I discussed it today, another step that took more courage than I thought I had in me. I confided to my husband that I wanted to pick up writing again. That I really wanted to see how far it could take me this time. You see, I didn’t want to be afraid of failure anymore. I was so filled with fear of failure that I didn’t want to try, which of course means I failed by default. No more. If I’m going to fail at this, I’m going to go down guns blazing.
That’s when he told me that I’d picked the perfect month to pick up writing again. “NaNoWriMo“, he said, “go look it up.” So I did. That’s when I found out that it’s exactly what I need to get going again. Quantity over quality? No editing allowed? Just write to be writing and finish a novel in a month? Rough draft to be sure, but still much better than second guessing and reworking a single chapter 20 times. No time for me to let doubt in. No time for me to feel self concious and hide claiming I’ve lost my touch.
I, who hadn’t written more than a line or two from my imagination in over ten years, sat down and just wrote. It felt good. I’m still fighting my inner editor, who tells me I need to go back and adjust this discription or fix that dialogue. I have to remind myself that it’s not allowed. Not until December. Yes, it’s rough. No, I have no idea today where it will be on November 30th. But it’s there. I’ve started to tell a story and I have all month to let it grow. For better or for worse, here it is.